e-mail
Email lists and forums/boards can be great places to get information and support. But there are hot button topics. And flame wars have been known to break out over
- independent vs agency
- to circumsize or not
- negative adoption experience
About 50% of Americans adopting from Ukraine use adoption agencies and 50% of families adopt without an adoption agency.
Sometimes I see an email on a Ukrainian adoption email list, that will imply (or clearly state) a family who used an adoption agency wasn’t very smart… because they are just throwing their money away on an agency. Independent adoption typically costs less.
I just don’t understand this reasoning. When I get on an airplane I am not going to feel superior to the guy next to me, because I bought my ticket on www.cheaptickets.com and he paid full price.
Boys adopted from Eastern Europe aren’t circumcised. I know families who did it for religious reasons. And I know families who did it for medical reasons. And I know families who saw no reason to circumcise. It is a medical decision for parents to make with the child’s doctor.
If a family asks for other families’ experiences on an email list, you shouldn’t email your opinion 10 times. Once is enough…. We aren’t voting on whether little Ivan is going to be circumcised or not.
And last but not least… the negative adoption experience. During a typical year 1% to 5% of American families who traveled to Ukraine didn’t adopt a child.
Regardless of the reason why the families didn’t adopt, they feel grief and loss. Some will post their failed adoption journey to email lists and at times seek to blame others for the failure.
The worst reaction is a defensive reaction. But time and time again… it happens. Everyone has to accept failure is part of Ukrainian adoption. The adoption agencies and facilitators and translators cannot provide a referral… only the Ukrainian government can do this.
Just because you had a postive experience with XYZ agency doesn’t mean everyone will.
The best way to avoid a flame war is to avoid emotional emails. When I have a strong reaction, I try not to post a reply until the next day. And when others are coming unglued on an email list, I tend to just avoid the “flaming” emails.
Well… I will note who is participating in the war and typically my opinion of that person is lowered. I will be less likely to trust their opinion.
You should see the Cambodian adoption boards. Nothing ignites like a complete halt to adoptions for whole countries! The recriminations are hot, heavy and frequent, and everyone is a potential target. Good news is that it puts circumcision on a far back burner. (And, yes, that is an intended pun, although a weak one.)