Ukraine Adoption, Eastern European Adoption

04/24/07

Second Class Love

Posted by : Angela in Ukraine Adoption Blog at 11:19 pm , 470 words, 153 views
Categories: Attachment

My daughter Natasha was adopted from Ukraine when she was 3.5 years old. And for some reason today.... I asked her what she thought was an important topic concerning Ukrainian adoption.

Her answer:

You have to do lots of paperwork... the process... the procedures.

And then you have to travel on a plane.

And then you do more paperwork to complete the adoption.

But then.... after a while... that is when love grows. That is the important part.

My darling is a smart cookie. She is almost 10 years old and has a good understanding that love is an action.

I didn't love my daughter when I met her. In fact when I tell her adoption story, I will say something like:

I first saw you taking a nap. I looked at you for 5 seconds and thought that I could be your Mama.

I did not love you. You did not love me. We were strangers. But I thought we could love each other. I thought that we could be family.

You were not pretty. You had gray skin and were drooling on your pillow. You were sick with a cold. I don't know anyone who is pretty when they are sick.

Luda shook you awake and told you that Mama arrived.

You were very confused. What was a Mama?

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Side note: I was uncertain how to tell Natasha's adoption story. There are certain aspects that aren't pleasant. So I consulted with a children's psychologist. She provided suggestions and coached me. She told me to be concrete. Natasha loves the little details like the drooling and gray skin.

Anyway, over the years I have expanded on the story. And we discussed when love started. Neither of us can pin point a particular date. But it did happen during Natasha's first year home.

Right before I traveled to Ukraine to adopt my child, a coworker decided to provide some helpful advise. He informed me that I would never love my adopted child the same way that I would love a biological child. Loving an adoptive child was a second class love.

UGH!

Well I was surprised to see that my coworker isn't alone. Rebecca Walker just had her book, Baby Love, published. And the New York Times printed a review of the book.

for Ms. Walker, being a stepparent or adoptive parent involves a lesser kind of love than the love for a biological child.

In an interview, Ms. Walker boiled the difference down to knowing for certain that she would die for her biological child, but feeling “not sure I would do that for my nonbiological child.”

From: Evolution of a Feminist Daughter

Maybe Ms Walker doesn't realize that love is an action.

Accepting the Referral for My Daughter
How To Talk to Children About Adoption
Talking with Children About Difficult History

2 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Sandra Hanks Benoiton [Member]

· http://international.adoptionblogs.com/

What a shallow person! I'm sad for her.

Permalink 04/25/07 @ 00:34

Comment from: Isk8ingcoach [Member]

OMG, I am so amazed at people who have never had an adopted child who either think they know all about it or have various theories they believe to be valid. I, too, had heard all of it, but at least I had the remembered wisdom of my paternal grandparents who had adopted my grandfathers' niece and nephew from Italy in addition to the 4 children they already had. They went on to have 6 more biological children and my grandmother said there was no such word as adopted, they were hers because they needed a mama. (Their mama had drowned in the Siene river on a boat tour) She knew love was an action. While I had my foster son, he was my son, I could not have loved him more if I had given birth to him. I still pray for him everyday, even though I know I may never see him again, but a mothers' love is no less for any child and it does not die when the system decides otherwise. You know what, how would all those biological mothers out there feel if someone tried to say that just because they had a c-section, or an epidural instead of a natural childbirth that they would love their baby less...... It doesn't matter how they get to you..... You are still their mama and they are your babies!

Permalink 06/29/07 @ 15:24

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