Many adoptive parents receive the advice to "fake it [love] until you make it". They are being told that love is a verb..... an action to take. The emotion of love will follow the action of love.

I did an informal poll once about "love-at-first-sight" and about 70 parents who adopted from Ukraine replied. Typically with Ukrainian adoption you receive a referral to a child that you have never met. And you won’t receive this referral until your dossier has been approved and you have traveled to Ukraine.

About 50% of these parents fell in love at first sight of their child. A couple of parents did state they fell in love with their child’s referral photo at the Adoption Center. Most of these parents felt love after meeting with their child face-to-face. Sometimes it was just seeing the child. Sometimes it happened after the child sat in their lap at the orphanage director’s instructions.

And the remaining 50% didn’t experience this. I was in this 50%. When I met my daughter she had gray skin and was drooling on a pillow while taking a nap. I actually met my daughter in a hospital. Her orphanage had moved her to the hospital when she developed bronchitis.

Here is how I describe my feelings at this moment to my daughter.

I thought for 1 second while I watched you nap. Then I thought that I could be a Mama for this child. I did not love you. You did not love me. We were strangers. But I thought we could love each other. I thought that we could be family.

Before I traveled to Ukraine I had heard of adoptive parents who felt guilty that they didn’t immediately fall in love with their child. And the decision to adopt a specific child was made harder when Mom loved the child, but Dad just wasn’t sure.

Let me tell you from experience… Ukraine isn’t the best place to have an emotional breakdown.

And you really don’t want to bottle up your feelings so much that you explode/breakdown while going through airport security. Airport security personnel are very rigid and don’t like being yelled at. (I wasn’t arrested.)

It is a really bad idea to yell at BSIS too. A family recently had their child’s visa placed on hold because Mom raised her voice at

an employee with the United States Citizens and Immigration Service in Chicago.

Couple's international adoption may be in jeopardy

The family left for Russia on the same day that a hold was placed on the visa.

The family had to update their home study to:

discuss the issue of "stress management."

And the adoptive mom had to

take a psychological examination to determine if she could handle the stress of a fourth child in the family.

Then the family had to wait in Russia for 10 days before the hold was removed from the visa.

Murphysboro couple can proceed with adoption


Love is an action.

It is a very good idea to be kind to you. Give yourself time off from worrying about paper chasing or chasing a toddler.

And remember you don’t always know when you are stressed until the stress is gone. Assume the entire adoption process and the first year after the adoption will be highly stressful. Don’t be afraid to talk to your doctor about depression. Make time for exercise, friends and family. Make time for yourself.