After I was able to get past my emotional reaction to anti-adoption writing, I was able to think and explore my thoughts that were generated by these emails, posts, blogs.


The first and most important reminder was that that Pain is real to the person feeling it. Pain isn't something that can be measured with a yard stick or weighed on scales. Doctors do actually try to measure physical pain and emotional distress to help with treatment plans.


But otherwise it is counter productive to try and measure pain. It just leds to "my pain is worse than your pain" or "my pain is more important than your pain" game. Other people's pain should be respected. Calling someone crazy or stupid isn't very respectful.


But respecting another person's pain doesn't mean I accept being attacked.


Sometimes people who are drowning in their pain behave very irrationally. I am not a huge fan of Nietzsche's writing. However I think this quote clearly expresses what I am talking about...

Some people are proud of their handful of justice and commit outrages against all things for its sake, till the world is drowned in their injustice.


~Nietzsche

Another way to look at this... A person in pain wants others to feel pain too. Misery loves company. This explains some of the attacks that anti-adoption people make on adoptive parents. Sandra, for example, has two posts on "better dead than adopted" exchange she had.

Sour Grapes
Sour Grapes 2



Since I am huge fan of the Princess Bride movie and we are talking about pain, I am going to throw in some favorite quotes from the movie.

Inigo Montoya: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?


Miracle Max: The King's stinking son fired me, and thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it?

When you are in pain, it sometimes feels like you are surrounded by reminders of it. For some folks, adoptive parents are the lemon juice.

Or TV... For example "Grey's Anatomy's" Break On Through had a story line about a doctor who placed a child for adoption when she was younger.

This doctor was advising a patient about the adoption option based on her experiences. On one forum this hit several birth mothers very hard. Some women or teenage girls (while at the mercy of authority figures who claimed to know what the right thing was) had been scammed, emotionally blackmailed or otherwise pushed into giving up a child. If you ever get a chance to read/hear why some folks are anti-adoption, at least you understand the source of pain.


Here is another quote on pain from the Princess Bride movie:

Westley: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

So all this led me to another thought. Other people's crisis aren't your crisis. We, as human beings, do this ever day. You may empathize with someone who cannot find their keys, but still... it isn't your problem.


All of these thoughts have folded into my parenting and hopefully made me a better parent. I acknowledge my daughter's crisis over a spilled glass of water as important. I don't run from her pain but rather keep her company while she grieves. And I try to help her label, cope, and reframe her experiences so that she can heal.


Clarification to the "other people's crisis aren't your crisis" is available here. I realized that I didn't clearly communicate what I was talking about.