I wrote a blog on pain and grief in adoption. I got a comment that make me realize I need to clarify something.


I stated that "other people's crisis aren't my crisis". I was poorly expressing myself. I was trying to talk about a very common human behavior. I am not talking specifically about adoption, but rather every day life.


Here is an example of the behavior............


In the new movie Aquamarine there is a girl named Claire. She is deathly afraid of the water because her parent's drowned at sea. At a pool party a teenage boy picks up Claire and starts to throw her into the pool. The boy thinks he is being funny/teasing Claire.


Claire freaks, screams, kicks and cries. The teenage boy puts Claire down beside the pool. Everyone at the party (not knowing about Claire's parents) is looking at Claire like she is a freak or crazy. Claire is just sitting there trying to recover from her emotions. She doesn't have the energy to explain. Someone makes a comment like.....

It was a joke. What is your problem? (said is a very sarcastic and mean tone)

Claire, who is still overwhelmed by her emotions and now being attacked, decides to leave the party while crying.


Other people's crisis really aren't your crisis. It is how we as human beings operate. Unless you can catch yourself doing it and try to stop. Unless you can see the pain, see the crisis.


So now, I want to pull this back to anti-adoption writing and my prior blog on pain.


So now think about Claire at the pool party. Pretend she is an anti-adoption writer who posted a note. Someone teased her but from Claire's point of view she was being attacked. Someone was trying to drop her into the pool and force her to experience fear/pain. So Claire returns the attack (screaming, kicking) and posted a reply. And her reply wasn't very nice. Someone else replies to Claire:

What in the world is your problem. You obviously don't understand how adoption works. You need some mental treatment.

So now Claire is really feeling attacked. This was a very unproductive exchange.


Understanding my behavior... understanding pain driven behavior...


This changed how I viewed anti-adoption writings. I am not threatened by the writing nor do I pity the writer. This doesn't mean we are going to be best friends or agree on abolishing adoption.


This does mean I don't take attacks personal. I feel respect for a person who is in pain and seeking to deal with their pain.


As I mentioned before, these thoughts have flowed into my parenting. My daughter got angry at me once and called me "stupid head". In a calm voice I told her:

I know you are angry because I won't let you play at Julie's house. I know Julie has a new kitten. But you have to clean up your room before you can play.

Can I help you clean?

I didn't take the insult personal. She was trying to hurt me because she was hurting. Not being able to play with the new kitten was a crisis for her. And as we cleaned we talked about the name calling. And we talked about how she could express herself better next time.